Being the open-minded sort of person that I am, I have decided to open my heart and mind to a couple of prophets who have long been seeking my alliance.
Allah, probably through some of Mohamed's staff, posted a sign on Deer Park Avenue because he wants me to have a copy of the Quran. The sign said to go to a web site to get a free copy. It seems pretty obvious that if Allah was not a real god, then he could not have inspired one of his followers to post that sign. So the fact that that sign is even there is evidence of the existence of this god. And it wants me to read the Quran, so the Quran must be the word of that god. I have read bits of the Quran, but I don't have my own copy. Allah, being all-knowing, knew that and had that sign posted in the very place I would be that day. Coincidence? Only to an infidel. Creepy, huh?
Allah wants me to spread the word, so go to http://yourmuslimneighbor.com/ to get your copy.
Mohamed isn't the only prophet who has me on a mailing list, though. A while back, Jesus sent me a letter. I think I wrote about that at the time. I didn't respond right away. Jesus has probably been wondering why -- I envision him pacing back and forth on some ocean, just off the beach (do you think the big waves affect his balance?), contemplating whether to follow up with an e-mail or text message. Well, I just wasn't ready at the time to receive all the money and such that he was promising. Miracles have tax consequences, you know. I work two jobs, get royalties from writing, have some interest income... throwing money from miracles into the mix could really screw up my TurboTax filing. How does one report miracle income? Is it considered royalties from my writings on religion? Is it a gift? Do I get a 1099? Do I need to submit quarterly estimated taxes?
Well, I decided to upgrade my TurboTax program, and I think I am now ready to receive my promised miracle riches. It's not that I need it, but if I don't take it, some unsavory type who doesn't give as much to charity as me just might take it. And that would be unethical.
So I sent the reply card back to Jesus (Well, not actually to him, that would be crazy. He has people.). And I checked off the box to get my "Church Blessed Deuterotomy 8:18 Prosperity Cross." It'll be tough to sleep knowing that my cross and its promised riches will be on the way soon.
I have scanned the letter from Jesus and made a special folder on my MySpace page (it's the folder with the rays of sunshine converging upon it). Hopefully, you can read it and gain some faith from it. Although, if you didn't get the letter, then maybe, unlike me, you have been Judged unworthy.
When I get a response from the offices of Mohamed and Jesus (in these tough economic times, they should consider consolidating, and maybe downsizing a few of those high-maintenance televangelists), I'll spread the word by posting more on my blogs. And I will post photos, too.
Allah, probably through some of Mohamed's staff, posted a sign on Deer Park Avenue because he wants me to have a copy of the Quran. The sign said to go to a web site to get a free copy. It seems pretty obvious that if Allah was not a real god, then he could not have inspired one of his followers to post that sign. So the fact that that sign is even there is evidence of the existence of this god. And it wants me to read the Quran, so the Quran must be the word of that god. I have read bits of the Quran, but I don't have my own copy. Allah, being all-knowing, knew that and had that sign posted in the very place I would be that day. Coincidence? Only to an infidel. Creepy, huh?
Allah wants me to spread the word, so go to http://yourmuslimneighbor.com/ to get your copy.
Mohamed isn't the only prophet who has me on a mailing list, though. A while back, Jesus sent me a letter. I think I wrote about that at the time. I didn't respond right away. Jesus has probably been wondering why -- I envision him pacing back and forth on some ocean, just off the beach (do you think the big waves affect his balance?), contemplating whether to follow up with an e-mail or text message. Well, I just wasn't ready at the time to receive all the money and such that he was promising. Miracles have tax consequences, you know. I work two jobs, get royalties from writing, have some interest income... throwing money from miracles into the mix could really screw up my TurboTax filing. How does one report miracle income? Is it considered royalties from my writings on religion? Is it a gift? Do I get a 1099? Do I need to submit quarterly estimated taxes?
Well, I decided to upgrade my TurboTax program, and I think I am now ready to receive my promised miracle riches. It's not that I need it, but if I don't take it, some unsavory type who doesn't give as much to charity as me just might take it. And that would be unethical.
So I sent the reply card back to Jesus (Well, not actually to him, that would be crazy. He has people.). And I checked off the box to get my "Church Blessed Deuterotomy 8:18 Prosperity Cross." It'll be tough to sleep knowing that my cross and its promised riches will be on the way soon.
I have scanned the letter from Jesus and made a special folder on my MySpace page (it's the folder with the rays of sunshine converging upon it). Hopefully, you can read it and gain some faith from it. Although, if you didn't get the letter, then maybe, unlike me, you have been Judged unworthy.
When I get a response from the offices of Mohamed and Jesus (in these tough economic times, they should consider consolidating, and maybe downsizing a few of those high-maintenance televangelists), I'll spread the word by posting more on my blogs. And I will post photos, too.
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