Small Talk

I am not a fan of small talk. It just doesn't interest me a whole lot, unless you are a close friend with whom I have some sort of general running dialogue. I wasn't fully cognizant of my dislike for small talk until recently. A few things have made me notice it...

Of course, I have never been a big fan of parties or "get-togethers" where ignorant, mindless people spend hours talking about nothing. That's a given. At those sorts of things, I look across the room and it reminds me of a bunch of chickens clucking in a pen. Every so often you'll hear the volume and pitch of a conversation rise, which signals me that someone has just laid an egg.

When I wrote my first book, I never thought about signing books, especially the fact that I would have to write some little personal note to people whom I did not know, or know anything about. Writing my first book absorbed a good chunk of six years of my life. Getting it done, and getting it done well (meaning having it readable and entertaining, yet thorough and with 100% accuracy) was all I really cared about. So the first time I had to sign a book and add some sort of little personal note, it was like getting hit in the face with a bucket of cold water and razor blades. Geez, wasn't it enough that I spent all that time filling 384 pages with words and photos? Now I have to write something cute or witty or personal? I realized I was going to be spending time in book-signing hell. I just didn't, and still don't, know what to write in one or two sentences. "Best Wishes?" "I hope you enjoy the book?" I have learned to love people who are okay with an autograph and a date.

Now that I work in a government office where there are lots of people (fortunately, I only spend about 25% of my time actually in the office), I find myself being faced with a similar horror: Signing cards. Retirement cards, get well cards, birthday cards, happy new baby cards, and all that. It's hell. Everybody adds some sort of stupid little insincere note. I hate that. If I wrote what I would really like to write, I'd be ostracized...

"Enjoy your retirement. Do it quickly, though, as studies indicate that many people die not long after retirement."

"I hope you don't have an inordinate amount of pain due to your recent operation. Try not to get an antibiotic-resistant infection."

"Wow, you survived another revolution around the sun. Let's make it a federal holiday."

"Instead of adding to the six billion-plus humans already using up resources and creating pollution, and using that as an excuse to pay less of your share of taxes, maybe you could have done something helpful by taking in one of the millions of unloved, suffering orphans in the world."

It's the same sort of thing with things like FaceBook and Twitter. Those things are good for people with nothing to say, but a need to say it. I guess that's most people, though.

And don't even get me started on haiku.

Oh well, I guess I'll just keep on plugging away. Next month will be my 45th birthday. Maybe I'll send myself a card that says "Most of your life is over. But at least you've made it this far."